I’m so confused. If I want it that bad, I should be able to have it. But I can’t, not yet, too many other choices to make. I don’t even know which one I want. But they shouldn’t be classed as an item, never classed as an item. Why am I losing sleep over it? It shouldn’t be that hard. Just walk up and ask. But what if I couldn’t get it? Should I look elsewhere? Would people mind if I do? Why should I care what they think? So long as I’m happy right? But I treasure their thoughts and opinions. Although they shouldn’t matter in this decision, in a way, I won’t be happy until they are happy. But then it all comes back to the one I can’t get. I don’t want my decision to affect anyone, but that is inevitable. Every decision we make affects someone in some way or another. I need help, guidance, but I can’t even get that, not when the one I need isn’t here, and the one that has been through most recently is out of the question. Why is it all so difficult when all I see is people walking with what I want? Why is it so difficult to get? It shouldn’t even make a difference in my life right now, but what if it does? Should I be asking all these questions? I can never get it right.

I need you. I need your guidance. I wish you were here to help. I wish you didn’t leave when you did, I wasn’t ready. You weren’t ready. You could’ve stayed and helped. Why didn’t I see it before you went? You always had the right answers up until I stopped listening, but you should’ve stayed for a few more weeks. Maybe then things would be different. You’ve missed out on so much, but you can’t come back. I want you back. I don’t care what anyone else says, I need you back. I miss you so much. With you around, I wouldn’t be screwing up all the time. Everything would be different, if only you were here.

I’m sorry things turned out the way it did. I had no intention for things to turn out this way. I didn’t know that what I did that day would affect me for the rest of my life. It all happened so quickly, like I was watching a movie. If I knew you would do what you did, I would’ve done something to make up for it. I would’ve called you and asked for your forgiveness, but I knew you would take me back. I guess the only thing that was stopping me was the main voice of what I thought was reason. Turns out it wasn’t. I didn’t realise what I could’ve done to fix things, but by then, it was too late, you already left us. Left people you loved, left your family, left your life, now people are blaming us. To be honest, I don’t care. I’m just trying to protect the fragile souls around me, but I can’t do it forever. I need to stop trying to replace you, and start being me, away from them.

I’m sitting here, wishing I had the chance to right the wrong, and have you back. Maybe you would help me make this tough, but not so tough decision. I mean, I need you to show me the path, but I shouldn’t need you. Not that I don’t want you, because I do. It’s just that this is a decision that is up to me, but I can’t make it. If I can’t make a simple decision like this, how can I make the decisions that put people lives at risk? If I can’t step up and make this decision, how will I be able to make the big decisions that matter? I guess I will find out when that time comes.

I wish you could come back, give me a hug, and tell me it will be ok. I don’t care how old I am, I have missed out on it for too long. I can’t get that from anyone else but you. The other one doesn’t match up to you. You took a lot away from me when you left, I just wish I could get all that back. I keep saying I don’t need you, and that I am over you, but the truth is, and I haven’t said this to anyone until now, is that I will always need you. I know what I said hurt you, but I didn’t know what I was saying. I need you with me now to show me how to live, and how to survive.

But I will never see you again.

I don’t care how many people read this, how they interpret what I’m trying to say. The fact of the matter is I have let it out. The pain I have been carrying for years, I am finally getting rid of, but that won’t change the fact that I still need you and you’re not here. Looking back, I made you wait for something that might not have come for quite a while. I’m sorry I put you in that situation. I forgive the actions you took. It won’t mean anything to you, because you will never read this. But it matters to me that I can say it. I am saying it to the world, and I don’t care what they think or how they react, if they react at all. I need to do this, so I am doing it.

I love you, I always loved you, and I still love you. But the thing is…

I miss you…Dad