Lived Experience of Losing a Person to Suicide Changed Everything

My client, someone I had spent many months guiding through the cracks of their life, was gone by suicide. Finding them, was something for which I was not prepared. The grief was immediate and shook my world. The shock, confusion, and guilt were overwhelming and for a long time, I kept replaying every conversation, wishing I had seen something sooner.

I felt responsible, not in a logical sense, but in the way, humans carry guilt that has no owner. The trauma seeped into my bones and carved a hollow inside me. Sleep became fractured, thoughts looped endlessly, and every minor failure in my day felt monumental. My work, once a source of purpose, became a mirror of loss.

Months passed in a haze of grief and self-doubt. And yet, slowly, I realised that isolating myself was not healing, it was deepening the wound. What has helped me is learning that suicide is rarely about one moment or one person’s failure, it is about unbearable pain that hides beneath the surface.

Six months on, I found connection in the BTS support group, with others who were bereaved, having lost someone to suicide. Sitting in that room, I saw faces etched with the same pain I carried. Stories tumbled out, stories of love, regret, and anger. And in those stories, I found mirrors and solace. I was not alone, and neither was my grief.

The support group gave me a place to breathe, to share, and to learn that healing does not mean forgetting. It is about learning to carry the weight differently and acknowledging that while the loss will always be a part of me, it does not define me.

In that shared space of understanding, I began to reclaim pieces of myself I thought were lost forever. Together we all remind each other that love does not end with loss, and that it is possible to carry grief and hope in the same heart. If you have lost someone too, you are not alone. There is no right way to grieve, only your way.........

Anonymous, posted by Terry Evans, BTS Committee Member.